Snow Job
by Sgt. Moffitt
Summary: Not everybody appreciates the chance to play in the snow...For the 2019 SSSW Challenge.


_S/N: I don't own Hogan's Heroes and I don't get paid for this; it is truly a labor of love._

_Some missing and expanded scenes from "Everybody Loves a Snowman", submitted as an entry for the 2019 Short Story Speedwriting Challenge. A few lines of dialogue from the episode have been included._

Carter has some opinions about the airmen he helped rescue during that blizzard...

* * *

Mother Nature's sure powerful when she wants to be. Boy, is she ever! Take that time last week, for instance.

It started out as one of those sunny days at Stalag 13, where you'd think all that snow lying on the ground would melt, but then it never does. Newkirk doesn't have a problem with this because he says sunny days are so few and far between in London (on account of the rain and the smoke and the fog and stuff) that he's willing to put up with the everlasting snow here, as long as the sun's out.

Now, I'm from North Dakota and we know snow, so the German snow that I usually see seems kind of pathetic. Still, it always makes for trouble even when it isn't deep, because it helps Kraut patrols track us when we're outside the wire. I really wish I'd never have to see German snow again, and can you blame me? But since it's _ALWAYS_ here in one form or another, I guess maybe that would mean I'd have to die first, wouldn't it?

Just kidding! Anyhow, where was I?

Oh yeah, that big storm we had last week. It sure was a doozy! I gotta admit that when it wants to, German snow can give North Dakota snow a run for its money. And it was downright dangerous, too. There we were out there in the cold, risking life and limb to collect some American airmen who'd been shot down a couple days before.

It was pretty darn scary, let me tell you. Not only were those airmen hard to round up, we couldn't find the tree stump entrance and a Kraut patrol was shooting at us the whole time!

We finally found the tree stump after I managed to trip over the darn thing, and luckily nobody got hurt. The flyers were urged to get in the tunnel and I followed them down, with Newkirk closing down the entrance before any of those Krauts showed up.

Our latest arrivals were awful grumpy though, and had lots of questions as we herded them through the tunnel. Newkirk finally got fed up and said "Sorry, chum, I can answer only two questions at a time. Save it for the Colonel, eh?"

So we finally got them up top in Barracks 2, and I gotta say those five guys were kind of rude. I mean, they were grateful to be out of the cold and Lieutenant Simpson was nice when LeBeau accidentally spilled brandy all over his feet, but their leader Captain Morgan (who looked awful familiar to me for some reason) was ticked off that they had been brought into a POW camp of all places, and he was pretty darn insubordinate when he complained to Colonel Hogan.

The others didn't seem real impressed with the Barracks 2 gang either, with us being prisoners and all. A couple of them seemed to think they were better than us because they hadn't been captured yet. (I heard Sergeant Biggins say "I like people who weren't captured." As if we'd had a choice in the matter!)

And then one of them, Sergeant Klein, snickered when LeBeau gave him some brandy. "Get a load of this guy! Don't they have a height requirement for Frenchies?"

"Not if he's a general!" said Biggins, laughing his fool head off.

"That's the smallest general I ever saw," said a third guy by the name of Lieutenant Rosen, and Captain Morgan finally glared at them and told them to cut it out, since he had more important things to worry about...like being cooped up in a POW camp instead of on his way to England.

I was glad he told them off, but it didn't go over too good with his men, who seemed to blame him for them being out in the cold for three days. Rosen looked at the Captain sideways and muttered to Biggins, "He had the same look on his face when he got us into this mess."

But Captain Morgan and his crew finally settled down a bit when Colonel Hogan told them we'd have them back on flying duty in a week.

I heard all this while it was going on, but I didn't say anything because I was keeping watch at the barracks door. Just then, though, I saw something outside that made my blood run cold. I turned from the door and said to Colonel Hogan, "There's a squad of Gestapo going into Klink's office, and they got axes and picks and shovels!"

The Colonel decided to listen in on the coffee-pot to find out what was going on, but it kind of surprised me when he let Captain Morgan and his crew join us in the office. And this was right after telling them that "the less you know, the less you'll talk if you're captured", too! Heck, who'd believe he'd do that, even in wartime? Can't imagine what Colonel Hogan was thinking.

And boy, did that Captain Morgan have a lot to say when we overheard Hochstetter tell Klink that he was looking for a group of American airmen who just got shot down, and that he was planning to search Stalag 13 for them. With his goons searching for tunnels in every barracks, no less!

The Captain made a mean remark about punching all the Underground people in the mouth, which really made me mad. After all, the Underground members who help us are getting bombed by the Allies, just like their Nazi neighbors, but they still risk their lives to rescue all those ungrateful guys who've been doing the bombing, like Captain Morgan and his crew.

This didn't seem to occur to the Captain and his men, though. Lieutenant Rosen seemed especially upset and said, "You guys got nothing to lose, but if they catch us it's goodbye Charlie!"

Oh, they were angry, all right, and the Captain was gonna take his men and try to leave. But Colonel Hogan finally talked him down by promising to dig a whole new tunnel that would keep the Gestapo from finding the real one, and they headed back down below (after grumbling a lot and giving us all dirty looks).

* * *

Anyhow, we had to spiffy up the barracks in order to make the phony tunnel stand out for Hochstetter to find. Which was a job in itself, let me tell you. Most of the time I can't even see the floor! But we got it done and got the phony tunnel dug in record time, and by the time ol' Hochstetter burst in, we were ready.

We conned him into looking for a tunnel under the sink instead of under the bunk, and boy, did he smirk when he stomped on the floor and heard a hollow sound! He must've thought he'd hit the jackpot, but instead his boot went through the floor and he sprained his ankle. (Well, let's face it, no day's perfect.)

Am I a bad person because I laughed when that happened?

At least after Hochstetter found the phony tunnel he left us alone for a while. Except that we were ordered out of Barracks 2 so his goons could fill in the phony tunnel with cement, and this happened while our visitors happened to be up top and they couldn't get back down into the real tunnel because the entrance was stuck.

So it was kind of a shame that Klink decided to move us to Barracks 4, the only barracks without tunnel access. This _REALLY_ ticked off Captain Morgan, who was convinced that he and his crew were about to be nabbed by the Gestapo. He kept making snarky remarks to the Colonel, and his men weren't any better toward the rest of us.

LeBeau, Newkirk and Kinch tried to keep them occupied by briefing them on their next step after they left Stalag 13, but they weren't paying a whole lot of attention. They sat around the barracks table, making jokes about the Underground folks they would be meeting.

"So our first contact will be with some _Fräulein_ at an inn?" said Klein. "Sounds good to me!"

Biggins shook his head and snickered. "She gets you alone in the inn, no telling what might happen!"

"No, not at the inn," Kinch said, real patient like always. "We've had some problems there. You'll meet with an older couple a few miles from there."

Captain Morgan was only half-listening, and he got annoyed since it didn't seem to him that we were actually making any progress toward getting him and his men out of Stalag 13. "You've been looking out that window for an hour, Colonel!" he said to Colonel Hogan, and he didn't say it in a very nice way. He even said something nasty about Santa Claus!

Well, I could tell that things were getting real ugly with all of us crowded there together in Barracks 4, so I figured the best way to avoid a riot would be for some of us to get out of the barracks, at least for a while.

That's why I asked Colonel Hogan if we could go out and play in the snow. It wasn't just a dumb remark, honest!

But Captain Morgan got mad all over again and made another sarcastic remark, so I got kind of huffy myself, and I started to tell him all about building snowmen in Bullfrog, North Dakota.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Colonel Hogan start to smile, and you could almost see the light bulb switching on over his head.

"Not a bad idea, Carter," he said thoughtfully, and that's how the Great Snowman Caper began.

* * *

Not that there weren't a few problems at first, and I was almost sorry I'd even brought up the subject. Captain Morgan wasn't real keen on the snowman idea for some reason, and as soon as Colonel Hogan left the barracks to get Schultz's permission to build one, the Captain just lost it. He was going to take his men and charge right out into the compound!

But Kinch moved quickly to block the door and stood up to him, face to face. Sure, LeBeau and Newkirk and I backed him up, but Kinch was the guy who kept the Captain from blowing everything, even though Morgan ordered him to step aside. At least the Captain didn't say anything about Kinch being a Negro, but you can bet we were all nervous about that.

So it was a good thing that Colonel Hogan came back just then, and he explained to Captain Morgan and his crew that we were gonna dig a new tunnel under the snowman. Yeah, under the snowman! Not exactly what I expected, but then the Colonel's plans are usually kind of bizarre.

Newkirk started digging outside Barracks 4 to reach the tunnel below, while LeBeau and I built the snowman right over the hole he was digging. The snowman-building went fine and was actually kind of fun, but getting rid of all the dirt was a real job, let me tell you. Captain Morgan's crew were no help either, as they kept popping in and out of the Colonel's temporary quarters in Barracks 4.

Poor Kinch and LeBeau got stuck trying to smooth things over with the crew, who were more than a little antsy waiting for the tunnel to be finished. I caught bits and pieces of their conversation as I brought in buckets of dirt for Kinch and LeBeau to hide inside snowballs. (This seemed like a pretty dopey way of dealing with the dirt from the tunnel, but like I said, the Colonel's plans are usually kind of bizarre.)

"It will not be long now," LeBeau told them as he packed snow around a handful of dirt. "Soon we will have you safely back underground, and then we will be able to get you out of here."

Simpson grinned. "Okay, but I'm gonna miss your cooking, LeBeau."

Rosen looked at him and laughed in a sarcastic kind of way. "Oh yeah? The French might be great cooks, but they're terrible fighters."

I just had to stare at Rosen as I dumped my bucket of dirt. What did he know about it? Did the US jump in to help France when Germany was fixing to overrun it? Heck, no! I could tell LeBeau was fuming, but Kinch grabbed his arm and shook his head, so LeBeau just sat back down and started making dirt snowballs again.

That wasn't the worst of our problems, though. Ol' Schultzie was being very German for a change, and after we finally got the tunnel dug under the snowman and four of the guys down below, he managed to spot Newkirk helping Captain Morgan into it. Boy, did he raise a fuss! He charged off to Colonel Klink's office in order to report what he'd just seen, and Colonel Hogan looked at Newkirk, frowning.

"Did he see the escape?" he asked.

"I think he got a glimpse of the Captain," Newkirk said.

Colonel Hogan shook his head sadly. "Never thought Schultz would turn on us like this!" He added, sort of as a joke but not really: "You know, being a prisoner of war is a very dangerous branch of the service, isn't it? All right, men, we've got to move this snowman."

* * *

So we moved the snowman and the goons weren't able to find the tunnel, thank goodness, but it was a couple of days before Hochstetter left and we were allowed back into good ol' Barracks 2. By then the Captain and his men were ready to leave and we were more than ready to see them go, let me tell you.

Finally it was the big day for their trip back to England. Colonel Hogan had already taken Captain Morgan out, and Newkirk, LeBeau and I were in the emergency tunnel waiting to see the rest of them off.

LeBeau said to them (trying to be polite), "You must be glad we are finally getting you out of here."

Rosen smirked at him. "Frankly, General, I thought it was a lousy neighborhood anyway." He nodded to us all, and then climbed on up the ladder.

Biggins and Klein snickered and followed him up the ladder, but Simpson hung back, looking kind of embarrassed. Then he looked up at us and said, "Thanks, guys. You didn't have to go to all that trouble to help us out, but you did it anyway. I know the guys seemed kind of arrogant and rude and stuff..."

"I suppose when you've got it, you never really lose it, do you?" Newkirk interrupted. "Even after being shot down."

Simpson sighed. "I know it's not an excuse, but we were all scared. Heck, we still are. And I don't know about the others, but Rosen and Klein have a pretty good reason for being afraid of getting captured by the Nazis, you know."

LeBeau nodded. "I know. And I do not blame them. But you must be on your way, _mon ami. Bonne chance!"_

Simpson shook his hand and smiled at the rest of us. "Thanks again, and goodbye."

I watched him climb the ladder, just standing there with my mouth hanging open. Newkirk nudged me and said, "You look like you've just seen a ghost, mate!"

"If you are going to start talking about ghosts, Pierre, I am going to hide that book you have been reading," said LeBeau. "Hide it in the barracks, and I mean hide it so even we can't find it. No more ghost stories for you!"

I blinked and shook my head. "No, Louis, that's not what he meant. I guess I looked like that because I was surprised to see one of the flyers actually thanking us. Not somebody from this crew, anyway."

LeBeau frowned. "What do you mean, André? We have had many airmen pass through here, and most of them have not bothered to show their appreciation. Why did this group bother you so much?"

I looked at him, and I realized that these feelings had been simmering for a long time inside me. So I tried to find the words that showed how I felt.

"It's kind of like that first time we met Tiger," I said. "Everybody liked the fact that she was pretty and everything, but I didn't really understand what she and all her Underground friends were risking just to help us. Then she got captured by the Gestapo in Paris, and you and the Colonel had to go rescue her. That's the first time I realized she's not a man trained to go to war, or even a woman trained to be a spy. Tiger and the rest of the Underground folks are just a bunch of really brave, ordinary people trying to do the right thing. And they could get killed for it."

I took a deep breath and let it out again. "And none of the airmen we rescue seem to realize what a risk the Underground is taking to help them escape Germany! And then there's you guys. You, Louis, and you, Peter, and all of the other Allied prisoners here trying to get airmen back to England, and all Captain Morgan and his crew did was make fun of you. Sometimes it seems like the American flyers who pass through here don't even realize that our country isn't the only one fighting Hitler."

I pulled off my cap and threw it on the table. "I'm so sorry, guys. Except for Simpson, maybe, this latest bunch was the worst. Most of the time they acted like you were our enemy or something! That's no way to treat an ally. Americans aren't your enemy._ I'm_ not your enemy!"

LeBeau and Newkirk just looked at each other and smiled.

"Mate," said Newkirk, "You're the best enemy a man ever had."


End file.
